


i'm the one who had to learn (to build a heart made of armor)

by illicitaffair



Category: Find Me In Paris (TV)
Genre: ALL THE GOOD STUFF, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Gen, OT3 if you squint, Thea-centric, and it shows, basically this is just thea's coming of age journey, definitely not for anyone under the age of sixteen, i wrote thea/jeff with jack/jen from dawsons in mind, it had to be done, it's pretty rad, kinda anti-lena im sorry, like i love her but, sex alcohol and swearing, the thea jeff tag is NOT romantic, thea goes to 1905 later, they get drunk hold hands and be platonic soulmates, this fic is uhh, this is inspired by grunge aesthetics and bands like arctic monkeys and the 1975
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:08:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26525734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illicitaffair/pseuds/illicitaffair
Summary: Thea is getting really good at lying. It’s almost comical, in a way. She’s spent so much time being honest to those around her that it almost borders on cruelty. And yet, her lies stack up around her like building blocks, towering over her.alternatively; thea falls out of love, time travels, finds her soulmates and sets out on a journey to self discovery - not necessarily in that order.
Relationships: Jeff Chase/Isaac Portier, Lena Grisky/Thea Raphael, Max Alvarez/Lena Grisky, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Thea Raphael & Jeffery Chase, Thea Raphael/Max Alvarez
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	i'm the one who had to learn (to build a heart made of armor)

**Author's Note:**

> title from drowning by banks.  
> i'm aware that this fic won't be for everyone, and honestly the only reason i'm publishing this is because im like 90% sure only three people will read it. so please, if you're not happy with the fic pls don't comment, positive vibes only!
> 
> enjoy xx

The day after Thea sees Max kiss Lena she cuts her hair. Thea tells herself it’s unrelated, she just needs a  _ change, _ that it’s got nothing to do with her long-term boyfriend moving on without her. Nothing at all. 

It’s a lie, obviously. 

Thea is getting really good at lying. It’s almost comical, in a way. She’s spent so much time being honest to those around her that it almost borders on cruelty. And yet, her lies stack up around her like building blocks, towering over her. 

It’s harder to tie her hair in a bun now, but to her surprise, Thea doesn’t mind. Her hair hangs just at her shoulders, the shorter length bringing out natural waves. The day after she gets it cut Thea takes pleasure in the shocked faces of her minions as they greet her with her morning juice before her nine am maths class. Having long hair is practically a requirement for being a ballerina, especially at  Opéra de Paris. Almost a right of passage, a way to stand out while simultaneously fitting in. 

“Thea,” Kennedy stutters. “Your hair!” 

“How are you going to put it up?” asks Bree. 

Thea rolls her eyes. “Hairpins exist. Now, which one of you did my calculus homework?” 

The only person that knows the truth is Jeff. He’s oblivious by nature, so Thea spells it out for him that night while they’re lying on the roof of the Garnier, passing a bottle of cheap wine between them. It’s Friday, so the only class they have tomorrow is footwork technique at three. 

Jeff takes a swig out of the bottle and grimaces. “Why are we drinking this stuff anyway? I thought it was your turn to restock our stash.” 

“I’ll go down to Liquors tomorrow,” Thea replies vaguely. She’s staring up at the stars, trying to find constellations.

There’s a beat of silence before Jeff slides closer to her. “You okay, T?”

Thea sighs. “I cut my hair because I’m not over Max. How pathetically cliche is that?” 

Jeff snorts. “Not pathetic at all, my friend. Cliche, yes. But not pathetic.” 

She levels him with a  _ look _ . 

“For what it’s worth, T, what he did was wrong. I mean, I love the guy, but Max led you on knowing he had feelings for Lena. Not cool.”

Thea lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Yeah. Not cool.” 

The bottle is shoved into her hand and Thea takes it, tracing her finger over the label. It’s one of those perfect July nights: not quite cold but not warm either. “This summer is going to suck without you,” she says before drinking. It burns on the way down and Thea shakes her head slightly. 

Jeff turns to face her, his cheeks splotched red and his eyes shining. “Aw, c’mon T, we’re still going to see each other. Plus, we have these magical inventions called  _ phones _ that allow us to communicate instantly. Pretty wicked, huh?” 

She smiles. Jeff’s good at that, making her laugh. “Don’t be a tosser,” Thea says and whacks him playfully on his shoulder. “I know we’ll still see each other, but it won’t be like  _ this _ .” 

He takes her hand and squeezes. “No. It won’t, will it?”

They stay out there long after the wine disappears. 

  
  


* * *

It's the last week of the school year and they're sitting in the courtyard, stretching before their final class. Thea tries not to feel out of place as she reaches out to grab her feet with her hands, tucking her head into her thighs. She can hear Ines and Lena chattering excitedly about their summer plans to her left while on her right Dash and Max are trying to out stretch each other. Thea takes a sharp breath in and reminds herself that Max and Jeff were her friends  _ first _ . She belongs here, with them. And despite whatever Lena might think, Thea knows them both as well as they know themselves. Better, even.

Without Thea noticing Max has made his way over to her, crouching down and mimicking her stance. 

"I wanted to make sure you're okay," he says softly, so no one else but Thea can hear him. "We were friends before all this happened, so I want you to know that you've got me in your corner, always."

Thea should be angry. Angry that after almost eighteen months of dating, of being the most important people in each other's lives, their relationship has been reduced to a  _ this _ . An insinuation that it was never meant to last, another drama swept under the rug.

Instead, she simply feels sad. 

"I'm fine Max," Thea says curtly. "I knew it was coming anyway."

(She didn't.)

Max nods and bites his bottom lip. Thea has to look away. "You know you can ring me over the summer, right? I'm going to be in London, but you can contact me anytime."

Thea resists the urge to snort.  _ I'm sure Lena would  _ love  _ that _ , she thinks. "I know, Max. There always, right?"

A look of hurt flashes across Max's face and Thea feels a rush of satisfaction. Selfishly, Thea wants him to remember that their time together, the memories they shared, can never be rewritten. She wants him to remember that it's  _ Thea  _ who holds a special piece of his own heart, not Lena. A piece that will always belong to the two of them, to Max and Thea.

Max's eyes are cold as he changes his stretch. "Have a good summer, Thea."

Thea knows that this is the closest she will get to a goodbye. 

"Oh, I will."

Ines must sense the tension, or maybe she just wants to keep Thea and Max apart, because she addresses the group as a whole. "So what are we going to miss most about this place on break?"

"The food," Jeff replies instantly and Thea suppresses a laugh. 

"Being able to hang out with you guys," Max says. 

"You going soft on us, Alverez?" shoots Ines.

"Never."

"I'm going to miss the Garnier!" Lena says dreamily. "Oh, and the city. Don't get me wrong Ines, I'm excited to spend the holiday at your home, but this city is  _ magical _ ."

Thea twists her head and catches Jeff's eye. They look at each other for a moment, resisting the urge to laugh. 

She tries to hold her tongue, especially since there's only one member of the group who _doesn't_ hate her guts. However the words spill out before Thea has a chance to squash them down. 

"Paris isn't  _ magical _ ," she says scornfully. Lena's face falls. "It's a city. Same as every other one in the world. Tall buildings, overcrowded population, ridiculously priced coffee. You'd have to be naive to think any differently."

There's silence before Ines jumps in with a placating comment on how she too is going to miss Paris and it's  _ beautiful _ scenery. 

Max is glaring at her and Thea raises her eyebrows at him. She doesn't regret what she said: Lena's unwavering optimism is quirky, cute even. But Thea resents the rose coloured glasses that Lena uses to view Paris. Sure, the city's ambience is pretty. It's the city of lights, after all. City of passion, of love, of art. Thea recognises this, enjoys it even. But she also knows the true Paris, the side that Lena doesn't. It's the side where the smog coats everything in a blurry haze, where class divides ensure sleepers on streets, where the club music thuds loudly in the night alongside the endless pouring of liquor. 

That's the  _ real  _ Paris. 

Lena's Paris is merely one side of a coin; the side that has been cleaned and buffed and put on display. 

Nobody else seems to have a problem with Lena's ongoing naivety except Thea. And Jeff,, although she isn't supposed to know that.

_ "It drives me insane, sometimes," Jeff says, grabbing the street post in an attempt to stop wobbling. They're about a block away from the dorms, spectacularly drunk as a result of taking advantage of happy hour. _

Thank god for fake IDs _ , Thea thinks vaguely as she reaches forward to grab Jeff's hand. "What drives you insane?" _

_ "Lena and her freaking sunshine. Like, it should be illegal for someone to be that happy, all the time. Right?" _

_"Right," Thea repeats. She's unwilling for their night to end so she steers Jeff in the opposite direction to Opéra de Paris,_ _guiding him forward with their intertwined hands._

_ "It's just, like, she never really  _ sees  _ what's going on, you know? It's all sunshine and rainbows until she has a problem, then we're all supposed to drop everything to help her. Then bam-" Jeff pauses to mime a gunshot "-it's back to sunshine and cotton candy again." _

_ "Never really see what's going on? Bit rich coming from you." The words are hard to find and come out slurred, but Thea doesn't care. _

_ Jeff looks down at her affronted. "Oh get off it, T. You know what I mean." He hiccups at the end of his sentence and Thea giggles. _

_ "Yeah, I do." _

_ They continue walking, careful not to cross any roads until they get to a pedestrian crossing. _

_ "I could really go for a Big Mac right now," Thea blurts out.  _

_ Jeff grins wickedly. "Miss Carré would have a heart attack." _

_ Thea nods seriously in response. "It will be our secret," she says. "Between you and me only. No one else can know." _

_ "Just you and me," Jeff promises. They make their way down to the nearest McDonalds, leaning against each other for balance and laughing loudly. _

  
  


But Thea could never reveal Jeff's true feelings about Lena. As much as she dislikes Lena, Thea knows how much Jeff values her friendship. And, unlike Max, Jeff has never given Thea any reason to distrust him. So she stays quiet until they're finished stretching and throughout their final class for the year, making small conversation only to a couple of girls whose names Thea can't remember. (Or maybe she just never learnt them? Thea has never been one for making friends.)

Dash is the only one that says goodbye to her, besides Jeff. It stings a little. Thea knows that if Dash was coming back to Opéra de Paris next year that he wouldn't even be bothering. 

"It's been real," he says and offers her a fist bump. Thea doesn 't reciprocate.

"Good luck, or whatever." Dash flashes a closed lipped smile at her response, like he wasn't expecting anything more, before walking away.

Jeff's goodbye is a lot more heartfelt and Thea's ashamed to say that she almost cries. She buries her head in his chest before the waterworks begin, snaking her arms around his waist. Thea doesn't know what to say, so she says nothing at all.

"You gotta be strong, T," Jeff whispers, hugging her tight. "You'll make it through the summer and before you know it we'll be back here, ready for another year of secret intoxicated McDonald runs. And the pain will just be a distant memory."

Thea smiles into his t-shirt. "Thank you for being my friend Jeffery," she says. 

"Ditto, Dorothea."

Thea stays an extra three days after term has officially ended. She's dancing with the company this summer, starting in Paris, and she doesn't have anywhere to be until they start rehearsals. There's only a handful of students left and Thea doesn't know any of them, so she keeps to herself. 

She packs up her dorm by herself and sticks her stuff into student storage. There's no use sending it back home; the company's final performance will be in Paris right before the new school year. When it comes time to move into the hotel provided by the company she rolls her suitcase down the steps of the Opéra de Paris alone, sliding on her red heart-shaped sunglasses as her freshly cut hair sticks to the back of her neck in the summer heat. 

Thea doesn't turn back, not even for a second. She resolves to not think about Max or Lena. Instead, Thea thinks about herself, about how in order to make it through the summer she needs to become a stronger, more independent version of herself.

After all, it's just her this summer. Thea Raphael against the world. 

  
  


* * *

_ The floor is cold as Thea lies down to catch her breath. She can feel Max collapse next to her and she reaches forward to grasp his hand. _

_ "You're getting better and better at this routine each time," Max says fondly and Thea smiles. _

_ "Have to if I want to keep up with my protege boyfriend." _

_ He lets out a laugh. Thea closes her eyes and rubs her thumb over Max's palm. They're lying in the middle of the studio after class, trying to perfect a routine for an upcoming audition.  _

_ It's silent for a few moments, both of them trying to regain their energy before Max speaks. "I have something for you. A gift, I guess." _

_ "A gift? Now, what have I done to deserve such a thing?" Thea teases. _

_ Max shrugs. "I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me." _

_ Thea tries to ignore the flutter in her stomach at his words. She stands up and follows him to their bags by the barre, watching as he procures a small black box. Max places it in her palm and curls Thea's fingers over it, placing his hands on top. _

_ He smiles and Thea's entire world is thrown off its axis. _

_ "It's to remind you that I'll always be with you," Max says nervously. "I thought you could put it on your charm bracelet?" _

_ Thea nods, willing herself not to cry. In the box is a tiny charm that resembles the globe, so small that the countries are merely tiny patches of silver. Along the top and bottom rings were miniature carved out hearts.  _

_ "It's beautiful," she says softly. Thea doesn't even try to say thank you, knowing the words will get stuck in her throat, so she kisses Max instead. Long and slow and passionate, it tells him everything he'll ever need to know. _

_ (I love you.) _

_ They break apart slightly, leaning their foreheads together as Max traces a finger along Thea's left cheek. She presses their noses together and listens to him breathe. _

_ "I'll be there for you, Thea. Always," Max whispers. _

_ Thea likes the sound of that. Warmth spreads throughout her chest as she presses herself closer to him. "There always," she repeats. _

_ Later that night, with her globe charm secured tightly onto her bracelet Thea leads Max into her dorm room. Max intertwines their fingers tightly as they cross the threshold to her mattress, where he lays her down softly. It's not perfect, far from it, but to Thea it's everything she could ever want. It's being held, being cared for, being loved. It's Max's hands dancing on her thighs while she gasps, it's her hands exploring his chest with a child-like curiosity. That night the two of them became one. Under the muted lighting of her shitty bedside lamp, Thea learns what it's like to fully trust someone. She learns what it's like to give her heart away, to place herself entirely at the mercy of someone else. _

_ Almost six months later, on the day of Lena Grisky's arrival at Opéra de Paris, Thea learns what it's like to have that bond, that trust, be taken advantage of.  _

_ She learns what it feels like to have a heart be broken into pieces by someone who used to be your world. _

  
  


* * *

  
  


Being in the company is nothing like being at Opéra de Paris. The girls in Thea's troupe are like her: ambitious, focused, driven. 

Broken.

The first few weeks of rehearsal are filled with gossip at the barre and during warm-ups, movie nights in hotel rooms and coffee during lunch breaks They're older than her - Thea is the youngest by almost two years - but to her surprise, they don't treat her any less because of it. They match her sarcasm and malicious words with their own and for the first time in months Thea feels like she  _ belongs _ . 

Three weeks from the beginning of the summer they have their first show in Paris at the Garnier. After two days of performing, they began touring; spending a week in each city until the end of the summer. 

Thea's a bundle of nervous energy, of excitement, of  _ change _ . This is what she wants, what she needs. 

The night before they're set to leave for London, Thea tags along with the rest of the company girls to a seedy bar three blocks from the Garnier. The prices of the drinks are high but they don't card, which is the appeal, but still. Thea's been there before, with Jeff, and she feels a sudden burst of longing for him as she makes her way to the bar.

"What do you want," shouts Yassida over the bar's loud music. Yassida is Thea's closest friend at the company - the two bonded immediately on day one over their mutual love of bitchy tv show characters and pink gin. While Thea knows she won't be receiving a friendship bracelet from Yassida anytime soon, nor will she be giving out one, Thea knows that she will have her back during the tour. "I'm buying."

"Vodka raspberry," Thea says to the bartender, not bothering to thank Yassida as she hands over her card. 

"Going for basic tonight, Raphael?"

Thea rolls her eyes. "Vodka raspberry is a classic. And it's not like tequila slammers are any less white girl esque."

"Have to get the party started somehow."

Yassida leaves shortly after and Thea is silently grateful. She's not a people person, never has been, so she revels in having some time to herself. Dancing with the company is everything, but spending time with fourteen young adult girls twenty-four - seven is taxing, to say the least. 

Thea's on her sixth - seventh? - drink when she notices someone slide onto the barstool next to her. Throughout the night Thea has migrated from dancing with a couple of her troupe mates on the dance floor, sitting with Yassida and a couple of sleazy guys she had met that afternoon in a booth and planting her butt down on the stool in front of the bar. 

"What you drinking?" Thea asks, not bothering to look at whoever was at her left. 

"Four vodka shots," comes the reply and Thea snorts. She turns to the girl sitting next to her and raises an eyebrow.

"You planning on passing out in the Uber?"

The girl smiles back, all teeth and charm and bad decisions. Her hair is long and wavy and she's wearing black jeans and a tight black bustier that shows her cleavage. Thea avoids her eyes and tries not to feel frumpy in her red sweater and matching chucks. "I was hoping you'd take ‘em with me. Maybe even hold my hand in the Uber too, if I'm lucky."

It is, objectively, a terrible line. But somehow Thea finds herself on the dancefloor an hour later, shaking her ass to Beyonce's latest hit with her fingers tracing the outline of the girl's lace bustier.

Her name is Lucy, Thea learns. She's eighteen, has lived by herself in an apartment four blocks away since she was fifteen and plays the drums in a band. Lucy knows nothing about ballet or dance in general, and everything about heartbreak and feeling lost. 

Thea doesn't push Lucy away like she would have done pre-Max. She doesn't snark about what happened with Lena and Max either like she would have done two months ago. Instead, Thea takes Lucy's hand in hers and whispers softly, "Let's go."

She takes Lucy to her hotel room, already ordering an Uber as they walk out of the bar, hand in hand. Thea pays their uber driver extra to close the privacy screen and Lucy runs her fingers along Thea's thighs, toying with the buttons of her jeans. They kiss, sloppy and messy, and Thea's nails grip Lucy's shoulder as she nips at her neck.

In the privacy of the hotel room, they get faster, more desperate. Thea bites at the lace fabric near Lucy's bust while hastily unbuttoning her jeans and panties. Lucy's moans fill Thea's ears and before long she's lying beneath Thea, naked except for her black bustier. Lucy quickly begins to take it off but Thea grabs her wrists, stilling her movements.

"Leave it on," Thea orders. Lucy bites her lip and wriggles her hips, creating friction, and  _ oh _ .

"Not really fair how you're not naked yet, don't you think?"

Thea rolls her eyes and makes quick work of her shoes, jeans and panties but slows when it comes to removing her sweater. She climbs back onto Lucy, grinding her bare pussy down, and slowly lifts the red knit over her head. Thea keeps her movements fast and sensual as she removes her bra. Lucy is positivity  _ withering _ beneath her and Thea, still slightly drunk, is overcome with just how much she likes the control. With Max she was always content to let him lead the way in bed. Their relationship relied on their push and pull: Max needed Thea to bring him down to reality, and vice versa. But sex was always something that Max needed to stay in control.

And Thea let him.

She's brought back into reality by Lucy's voice, raspy and pleading. "You gonna eat me out now, or what?"

Thea spreads Lucy's thighs, hooking them over her shoulders, and does exactly that. 

  
  


* * *

The tour is a blur of hotels, performance halls, earth-shattering applause and dazzling smiles that garner thousands upon thousands of Instagram likes. 

But there's also the pictures that never make it onto social media. Those pictures make up the side of the tour that is for Thea and the other company girls exclusively. It's exhilarating, having secrets and memories that will link Thea with these girls forever. 

These photos are of cracked feet with blood running down heels in the aftermath of a performance, staining the pristine white tiles a stark shade of red. There are pictures taken under flashing lights with drinks in hands, lipstick smudged and tangled hair. There's photos of Thea in her heart-shaped sunglasses standing beside various landmarks as she makes out with strangers. There are photos of her and Yassida holding hands and looking like hell on wheels.

Then there are the snapshots that never got captured. These moments would ruin them if immortalised. There are nights where Thea sits in-between Yassida and Ophelia as they pass a joint around the circle, forcing shots onto whoever refuses a hit. 

(Thea takes one hit, just to try, and immediately switches to shots.)

The nights when she doesn't have a performance the next day are rarely spent alone. Those nights are spent with someone sucking bruises onto Thea's neck and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. She's not picky - which would shock the Thea of the past. But she's moving on from who she used to be, so some nights she licks and sucks boys and other nights, girls.

(And sometimes, on some nights, it's both.)

As the tour unfolds Thea gets better at dancing, better at sex, better at moving on. When Thea returns to Paris at the end of the summer for the last leg of the tour, she feels stronger, more stable than when she left. She has people in her corner now, not just Jeff. She has invitations to weekend parties, group chats across multiple social apps and a photo album on her phone filled with memories that only Thea gets to claim.

So when the new school year begins Thea ties her hair into a ponytail - it's gotten long over the summer and Thea still hasn't decided if she wants to leave it or cut it again - and finally slides the silver globe charm off her bracelet. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Coming back to the Opéra de Paris feels like being pulled into an all encompassing and comforting hug. It's been her sanctuary for as long as Thea could remember. It’s the one place she could count on to be there for her, always, no matter what.

And when she sees Jeff again for the first time in months Thea knows that she's  _ home _ .

The first few weeks of term go by quickly. She bonds immediately with Jeff and Max's new roommate, Isaac, who becomes a part of their group despite the weird tension that is evident between him and Max.

Classes are harder, which isn't surprising. There's more routines to learn, complicated techniques to master and added pressure. Thea takes it in her stride, like she always does, and tries to maintain tunnel vision. 

_ Be the best.  _

It's in the third week of term that everything turns to shit. Her dorm, along with two other wings of the school, is being remodeled into extra rehearsal studios. Thea and her two minions are reassigned to different dorms.

Of course, just because the universe hates her, Thea gets stuck rooming with Lena and Ines.

They don't talk to her while she moves in. Thea doesn't mind. It gives her time to squash her anger, to process. 

Her bed is squashed in the corner of the room, along the same wall as the door. Thea tries not to shudder at the awkward composition. She's already resolved to spend more time in the student lounge than in her new dorm, anyway.

Once Thea finishes moving in she looks around the room and places a hand on the wall to settle herself. Ines's side of the room is an explosion of her personality: books and clothes scattered across the floor while her desk is a whirlwind of loose paper and pens. Lena's is more organised, more feminine. Her desk is neatly stacked with school supplies, weird gothic Russian novels and, surprisingly, a waffle maker.

It occurs to Thea that she could get Lena (and Ines) in trouble for appliances in their dorm.

She's not stupid though. Ratting out her new roommates, who wouldn't hesitate to cut holes in her clothes when she was sleeping, is probably not the best course of action. Instead Thea files the information in her mind for later and complains to Jeff while he and Isaac are doing extra rehearsal in the studio.

"And they stay up talking  _ every night _ ! And nothing of value, either. It's always some bushit about how Ines got a freaking 90 instead of 99 in the latest science test or Lena complaining about how she deserves to have a solo. It's driving me insane!"

"So naturally you had to drive  _ us  _ insane by talking about it for a solid twenty minutes," replies Isaac. Jeff lets out a snort and Thea rolls her eyes.

"Laugh all you want, but you two don't have to live with them."

"No, we just have to room with  _ Max _ ," says Isaac. Thea doesn't miss the way Jeff's eyes flicker over at the mention of Max. She smiles slightly at him, shaking her head. "That guy is so full of himself - I'm sorry Jeff, but it's true. I don't know how you two are friends."

"Give it time," Thea says bitterly. "He grows on you."

Their conversation dies off as Jeff and Isaac bicker about Jeff's footwork technique. Thea tries not to roll her eyes at the flirtatious undertone to their bickering. She loves Jeff, truly, but the boy doesn't have a perceptive bone in his body. 

It's not the right time for Jeff and Isaac's relationship to move in that direction, not yet anyway. Thea knows Jeff better than she knows herself: being pushed into a relationship when he's not ready would break him. But Thea also knows that when the time comes for the two of them she's going to have to be the one to spell things out for them.

She doesn't mind. Isaac is quickly becoming someone who Thea can tolerate for large quantities of time, which is rare. As a result of their mutual friendship with Jeff, Thea and Isaac have become close through proximity and their mutual unmatched dedication to dance.

But it also means that when they get into their little JeffandIsaac bubble she unintentionally becomes a third wheel.

So Thea slips out of the studio with one last look at the two of them, resisting the urge to smile. It hurts, sure, but her and Jeff have plans to meet up on the rooftop tonight, so she doesn't feel  _ that  _ discarded. However, Thea does feel restless.

She wants to dance.

Sliding in her earbuds Thea makes her way down to the Garnier's basement, where they hold BLOK rehearsals. It’s cold and dark and smells musty, but it provides Thea with the refuge she needs. 

With her freestyle dance playlist on shuffle Thea dances for what feels like hours, but is probably only forty minutes. She lets the melodies flow through her, moving her body parts subconsciously to match the beats.

After her playlist ends Thea takes out her earbuds and stretches her arms up, looking up to the ceiling. She's panting, struggling to catch her breath with a slight migraine forming in the back of her head. And yet the ever present knot in the pit of her stomach had begun to uncoil; dancing was cathartic to Thea, always has been.

She doesn't notice Lena until she begins to make her way over to her bag to fetch her water bottle.

"What are you doing here?" Thea snaps.

"I guess great minds think alike!" Lena says brightly, but Thea knows that despite her cheerful tone she's nervous. Thea's good at seeing through people's bullshit and Lena is no exception. She recognises the signs: Lena's hands fidgeting with the strap of her bag, her shifting feet. 

"I hope you never have to play poker," Thea says, ignoring Lena's statement.

Lena's brows furrow. "Sorry?"

"You're a terrible liar. What do you want?"

"Oh. Well, truthfully I knew you came down here." Thea makes a face and Lena hastily continues. "Not that I followed you or anything! I just waited a bit. I want to talk to you."

  
  


Lena pauses and waits for Thea to say something. Instead, Thea closes the lid of her water bottle and shoves it into her bag. She spreads apart her arms as if to say  _ well, you're here, so talk _ .

“I just...wanted to see how you were doing, you know, with everything.”

Thea levels her with a blank stare. “You mean, how am I doing after you stole my boyfriend?” 

Lena bristles. “It wasn’t like that, and know it.”

“Do I?”

The exit is blocked by Lena stepping in front of Thea. “Nothing...happened until he broke up with you, you know.”

Thea refuses to show any emotion, instead pushing past Lena to pick up her bag. “Look Grisky,” she says, staring down Lena. “I don’t give a fuck what happened and when. All I know is that one moment I have a boyfriend and everything is fine and then you show up.”

Lena opens her mouth, but Thea continues before she has a chance to speak. “A mere three hours after I’m being dumped, you and Max are getting it on in front of the whole school, humiliating me in the process.”

“I never meant to hurt you,” Lena says, her voice small.

Thea softens, but only slightly. “That’s the problem, isn’t it? You’re not aware of the consequences of your actions.” She makes her way out of the basement while Lena stays on the dance floor, mulling over Thea’s words. “You need to realise that you’re not the centre of everyone’s universe, Lena. And I mean that as a friend,” Thea adds. “I forgive you,  _ this time,  _ but screw me over again and you won’t be so lucky.”

“We’re friends?” Lena asks hopefully. 

Thea rolls her eyes. “Not even close.” 

“But if you’ve forgiven me, why not?”

“You’re smart Lena,” Thea says. “You’ll figure it out.” 

* * *

It’s just Thea’s luck that she gets fucking stuck in _1905_ of all places. 

Yeah yeah, time travel is real, Lena is a Russian princess on the run, people are trying to kidnap her and that ugly ass necklace. It’s all fun and games until  _ Thea  _ is the one that gets stuck dealing with all the carnage. 

_ Again _ . 

Thea’s not an idiot, she attended all her first year history classes. She knows the  _ real _ reason why Lena was sent to Paris - and it wasn’t because of dancing. 

In 1905 Lena’s Russia was on the brink of its downfall: the beginning of a revolution that would change the nation forever and leave Lena’s family with nothing. Thea assumes that Lena has no idea; Ines must be shielding her from any information that could cause Lena’s fantasy to crumble. 

1905 is unbearable. It’s freezing, the indoor plumbing was so unpalatable that it might as well be nonexistent and to top it all off, no there was no  _ fucking  _ toothpaste. 

Of course it’s not all terrible. She gets to dance, no longer in Lena’s shadow, and makes friends with some of the girls at the company. 

(Well, Thea commands and intimidates Claudine and her cronies until they are essentially her new minions. It’s the same thing, more or less.)   
  


She’s miserable, and lonely, and she misses Jeff. Thea  _ thinks  _ that Lena has assured him that no, she hasn’t ditched him without telling him where she is, but Thea isn’t exactly Lena’s favourite person, so she prays to whatever God is listening that Jeff assumes she fucked off to spend time with her Mother for a couple of weeks. Thea is stuck until Lena decides to get her back home, and like most things that have occurred over the last eighteen months that won’t happen until Lena has solved whatever drama is happening to her  _ first _ . 

So, Thea does what she always has. She holds her head high, puts one foot in front of the other and  _ conquers.  _

* * *

It’s her third week in 1905 when she sees it. Thea knows that it’s going to haunt her for the rest of her life, going to weigh heavy on her heart every day until the moment she takes her last breath. 

The start is this: two men outside the Garnier. Their ties knotted and shoes polished, bright smiles lighting up the cloudy, overcast city. It’s whispers coming from strangers and pointed looks from Claudine and her insufferable cronies. A touch, small, barely even visible, is what causes the transition between beginning and ending. 

It happens quickly, almost too quickly for Thea to register what happens. Rough hands grip tight while mouths gasp for breath while a muttered “good riddance” comes from Thea’s left.

She takes in a sharp inhale. 

Claudine steps towards Thea, pulling her gloves up to her elbows. “They’ve had their eyes on them for weeks,” she says. “About time they were punished for their sins.”

Thea shuts her eyes. She sees Jeff, who has the biggest heart of anybody she has ever known. She sees Lucy, who is strong and talented and full of  _ life _ . Isaac: whose ambition and drive rivals even her own. 

And, right before Thea opens her eyes, she sees herself. 

The echoes of gunshots stay with Thea long after the sun has set. 

* * *

Thea makes it back to the present day by mid January. 

“You didn’t miss much,” Jeff says, swinging his feet off the roof of the Garnier. It’s probably a bad idea to be up on the roof in the middle of winter, but Thea couldn’t be bothered making her way to a bar. Besides, the roof is quiet. After everything that has happened over the last year, Thea is starting to think that maybe the quiet is what she needs, even if it isn’t necessarily what she  _ wants _ . “Lena and You-Know-Who are still going strong, classes are still hard as fuck and they still haven’t updated the breakfast menu.”

Thea smiles and nudges his feet still with her purple docs. “What about you and Isaac?”

Jeff reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bottle of vodka. He unscrews the cap and takes a swig, straight, and Thea raises an eyebrow.

“That bad, huh?”

“I don’t even know if he’s into guys, you know? And sometimes we have this, like,  _ thing  _ going on and I think, yeah, this might actually happen. But then he goes on and on about his old dance partner, Jenna, and I feel like he’s trying to put me back in my place, you know?”

Thea takes the bottle from Jeff’s hands and drinks. It gets caught on the way down her throat and she relishes in the burn. “That’s bullshit Jeffery. He likes you, you know he does. You’re just too scared to do anything about it because you don’t want to get hurt.” Thea takes another swig of the vodka before passing it back and laying her head on Jeff’s shoulder. “And wise move too. Love is just a sham.”

Jeff laughs. “I’ve missed you, T.” 

“I’ve missed you more.” 

* * *

Jeff throws a massive party at his house for his seventeenth. It’s an hour’s drive from the city so Thea takes the bus up the day before to help him set up. 

She invites Lucy to the party on a whim. Thea hasn’t seen her since the summer, so she prays that it won’t be awkward and the conversation won’t be stilted. 

It is and it isn’t. They attempt to make small talk for the first hour before Thea drags her to Jeff’s parents room - who thankfully had fucked off for the weekend - and crashes their lips together. 

It’s sexy and messy and kind of weird, due to the photos of Jeff’s parents on the dresser, but it feels good nonetheless. 

And because of Thea’s  _ shit _ luck it’s interrupted by the only two people Thea doesn’t want to see. 

“Oh,” Lena says, her cheeks turning red as she grips Max’s hand, who stays silent. His eyes lock with Thea, who  _ burns _ . 

“Don’t utter a fucking  _ word _ ,” Thea says dangerously, her eyes never once leaving Max. He nods, pulling a stunned Lena out the room and closing the door softly. 

‘I should go,” Lucy says, already pulling up the zipper of her pants. Thea nods. 

Later that night, while Jeff and Isaac drunkenly spoon next to her on Jeff’s king sized bed, Thea deletes Lucy’s number.

* * *

Max never tells, neither does Lena. 

* * *

They kiss while Thea is packing up after a BLOK rehearsal. It’s not romantic or chaste, it’s loud and sloppy, all wandering hands and soft moans. Almost indecent, definitely sexy. 

She clears her throat.

Max looks up at her, his hands around Lena’s waist as he pulls her closer. Lena appears not to have heard Thea because she leans forward for Max’s lips again, pulling him down towards her. 

His eyes never leave Thea’s. 

* * *

_ Thea, _

_ Yes, I’m writing you a letter. Old school, I know, but I would die if someone read this in my email outbox, or took a screenshot, so here goes: _

_ I love the way you giggle at my bad jokes. _

_ I love the way you hold my hand whenever my dad calls. _

_ I love the way you look when you give me head.  _

_ I love the way you drink wine, your lips closing over the neck of the bottle as you let it slip down your throat.  _

_ I love the way you won’t get mad at me for saying these things. _

_ This was meant to be romantic, I swear. But fuck, Thea, I can’t get last night out my head. It was the sexiest thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t stop replaying your moans, imagining my mouth on your wet, tight pussy while your hands run through my hair.  _

_ Being able to dance with you, to have the chance to be intimate with you, the chance to let ourselves be swept up in this is amazing.  _

_ You’re everything to me, Thea. This is it, you and me, against the world. _

_ I love you, and I know you do too. _

_ There always, _

_ Max _

* * *

__ “Sometimes I think that you’re the only person I’m ever going to love,” Thea whispers. 

They’re on the floor of the stage in the Garnier, her and Jeff and Isaac. They’d snuck in after lights out and pleaded with the security guard to let them ‘rehearse’ for the end of year showcase.

_ “You’re incredibly sneaky, Isaac Portier,” Thea says. “I am impressed.”  _

“ _ Anything for you, Miss Rapheal.”  _

Jeff shifts his body weight so he’s facing Thea and interlaces their hands. “You know that’s okay, right? I’m going to be there for you, always.”

He pulls her into a hug and Thea feels safe, secure, loved. It’s what she’s been chasing, ever since Max broke up with her a year ago. 

Turns out Thea has had it all along.

“Get over here, Isaac,” Thea says, her voice muffled by Jeff’s hoodie. “You’re a part of us now too.” 

Isaac regards Thea and Jeff’s intertwined figures carefully. “Don’t say that just because you pity me not having a cuddle buddy.” 

Thea rolls her eyes. “For fucks sake Isaac, when have I ever pitied anybody?” Isaac smiles and moves forward. “Just don’t break my heart,” she adds, only somewhat jokingly.

“Noted.” 

They fall asleep like that, hands and legs intertwined. 

* * *

Thea cuts her hair again, right before summer break. It’s even shorter this time. 

She wishes she could go back to the Thea of the past, the Thea filled with anger and resentment and pettiness. Go back and tell her that hey, Max isn’t the one. Nor was Lucy, or the countless of faceless strangers that you have been with over the years. 

Thea wishes she had a way of telling herself that it’s okay. 

Anger and resentment and hurt still roll through her, burning and moving and taking shape in her gut. But it’s manageable now. Thea avoids Max’s piercing stares and Lena’s watchful eyes and she learns, one day at a time, how to be herself when she isn’t competing or plotting or scheming. Thea has what she needs, now. She has Jeff, and Isaac. 

Thea has a family. 

**Author's Note:**

> how did i manage to write 7k words of like zero plot for a fandom that is non-existent omg


End file.
